Thursday, September 22, 2011

One year later...

One year ago from right now I was checking into UCH. An hour or so later I had my epidural. A few hours later I had my baby boy. What ensued over the next couple days was nothing short of a nightmare. Over the past year as I've told people about Xander's meconium aspiration, I've had two people tell me of someone they know who went through the same thing. Only their stories didn't have a happy ending. I am so blessed our nightmare only lasted a couple days and ended happily ever after... I will admit to giving my little man a few extra hugs and kisses today.

On a personal note, this has not been an easy year for me- as a mother or wife. No one can raise a child, let alone children, on an island. I've worked extra hard this year to increase the "village" surrounding me and my family. It's required me to be more careful about who I open up to, reach a little further to make connections, put more effort into some relationships and quietly seek distance from others. I've felt many doors open this year and am grateful for some of the new friendships and support systems I've been finding. This year has also required me to seek assistance and ask for help when needed. Joe's schedule has called for a lot more travel than ever before, but I am SO lucky that he is such a hands-on father and happily takes over after a full day of working so I can put my feet up (or at least go to the bathroom alone and maybe clean a dish or two) while he gets the kids ready for bed. As always I've been relying on my parents, perhaps more this year than ever before. I've experienced more growth this year than perhaps any other and feel much stronger than ever before. Having two children has required me to let some things go and only draw attention to the most important matters. I am very happy with the relationship I have with both of my children. The three of us are a team. We work together- and while at times we butt heads (nothing can cause dissonance like a three year old!), we are constantly learning from and supporting each other. Rosemary told me the other day "Mommy, you're not always a good mommy, but most of the time you are." At three, she doesn't always filter her thoughts and while she was probably thinking of the time I didn't let her eat cookies for dinner, it was a true statement and something I accept. We live in a society where we are always expected to overachieve and be the best at everything we do. There is so much esteem placed on being the best. As a mother, perfection is unattainable (how do you measure perfection anyway?). I spent three years trying to be "the best." And now I realize that I was wasting my time. My children don't want or need me to be "the best" mother. They need me to be THEIR mother. They need to see me succeed, but they also need to see me fail. They need to see me happy, but they also need to see me sad. They need me to be there for them, but they also need to learn independence and self-reliance. I can't make my children into the people I want them to be. I can only support them as they become the people they are.

This post is all about my growth and development over the past year. I've spent most of the day preparing for Xander's birthday celebration this weekend and it dawned on me how much my life has changed this year. Tomorrow I will celebrate my son's first year of life and the amazing little person he is. But tonight I celebrate the person I have become over the past year.


  1. You are an amazing person through and through. I appreciate so much the fact that you can admit things that you struggle with as much as things that you exceed at. It helps me so much as a new mom facing some of the same demons. I'm so glad that you are in my life.